march 19th, 8:07 — started enjoying red wine recently. vinyl player is filling the space with my favorite sounds. and again I’m reminded: the things that matter most should never be at the mercy of the things that matter least.

knew i’d come back to this. didn’t know when. had to live some life out. still have more to live.

I left home.

had to.

wanted to.

felt like there was a lot I was leaving to be desired. both in & out. couldn’t quite focus on the outside noise because the inside noise was so much louder.

when I left I was harboring things. old things. overdue things. things that should long seen their way out of the vault of stuff that still grinds my gears or keeps me up late into the morning hours with pent up aggression. circumstances that didn’t fall in my favor. people who chose the field. moments when I didn’t perform.

but this recent, forced silence has helped me reframe my thinking. and it’s still an ongoing effort.

I live well.

well enough.

the circumstances that did fall in my favor have got me sitting comfortably.

the people who chose to go were people I would have never walked away from.

should’ve though.

and the moments when I didn’t perform… well.

i’ve become somewhat of a recluse, and even more so an obsessive. obsessed with this idea of self-mastery. and of hitting pinnacles. and of living my life just before redline. and approximating what God sees when He peeks at me.

I used to live with images in my mind of what I wanted my life to look like. I guess I still do. I just have a much looser grip on those images. my recent motivation has been centered on this question right here — how good can we get?

at all of it.

why do you train for a few weeks at a time and then let off the gas? why do you study for the exams and suddenly stop a week prior? why don’t you run through the finish line? why do you act nonchalant with the people who mean the most to you? why haven’t you called your grandmother? why’d you stop talking to God? and why’d you stop talking to Him about those things that you really want deep down? why’d you let them get buried under disappointment? why’d you lose faith in things? why didn’t you feel you were worthy of it? is it because you failed with it before? you think you failed your only chance? you think you only get one of those? you don’t think you had to learn from coming up short? think you were expected to be perfect at it your first time seeing it? or your second? or your fifth? you don’t think the people who trigger your intrigue and your aspiration had to fail, and keep having faith, and keep asking God, and keep burying their hands in the soil to harvest the life they live now?

because from where I sit now, that was a pretty poor excuse for living suboptimally.

couldn’t see that being at home. being distracted. even with good distractions. even with loved ones. even with comfort.

so I left.

I found out that, in this space, when left alone, I don’t really talk much. I don’t feel the need to. no need to be performative to hide the silence that I would rather be sitting in. with the thoughts that are really at the forefront of my brain. I could take one swipe through my inbox and reach messages from last month. my budget for social outings has left a surplus every cycle. and what do you know? I feel less lonely than I ever have. I look in the mirror and I know myself.

and pardon my French,

I fuck with the guy I see.

I could’ve lived my life telling myself I was being ungrateful, or being irrational, or being demanding. I could’ve settled for punching the clock. and making some money. and buying the things I want. and maybe partnering with a lady. or not, if it’s not in the cards for me. and ultimately feeling unsettled regardless. without peace. but with a bunch of stuff that people should be happy with.

needless to say, the inside noise had to change course. it’s still loud. (the volume on this damn remote doesn’t work). but the tone has shifted.

you can’t be a bigger fan of me than I am nowadays. and it’s not from a space of arrogance, it’s from a space of experience. I didn’t need more confidence. I needed more evidence.

I had to sit there and build consistency. what else would I do with all this free time. I had to actively encourage myself. can’t put yourself down in this life. there are enough others that can do that for you. had to poke at some sore spots that I’ve danced around for so long, I forgot they were there. oh that still bothers us, huh? then I had to give myself the grace to get past it the right way this time. instead of distracting myself into suppressing it deeply.

can’t discount the stripes on my jacket. I watched myself go to war with myself. and i’m still sitting in these trenches. without a scratch.

I know there are others out there who feel just how I felt a short time ago. you don’t know what’s missing, but it’s missing.

my advice?

go sit in your room. and figure it out. and invite God while you do so.

and when He reveals things to you.

partner with Him.

make plans. make sure they’re sustainable. and find your hunger. and don’t ever get satiated.

grab your boots.

tie your laces.

and put some SPF on

because skincare, homie. skincare.

and look in the mirror before you go and take inventory.

and when you’re done planting the seeds, and tending to the soil, and harvesting the wheat.

check the mirror again.

and do it every day.

until you like what you see.

don’t miss your mark — you only get one of these lives.

sorry that this wasn’t more climactic, or lengthier, or perhaps not your flavor.

but it was mine.

if you want to be notified the next time we gather here for another (b)lesson, don’t forget to subscribe. i’ll always be looking forward to having you back. I can’t tell you what we’ll be talking about next time you’re here, but I can assure you it’ll be a good, quick read.

appreciate you stopping by.

all love, love always – yours always, and always yours

-E.