you know, a couple days ago, I had decided that I was gonna scrap this whole blog thing. shut it down altogether. didn't know if I would have the time for this moving forward. or the means. and then I realized there isn’t much demand from this because I don’t cater to a schedule - I write when I feel like writing. so that was a poor excuse. then I also realized that the cost of maintaining this blog is the equivalent of… I don’t know… cutting my Chipotle outings by 1/8 during the course of a year? it’s safe to say I keep the lights on in that place.

anyway. I was grateful to see that I logged in today and there were a handful of new subscribers. welcome. I’m forever indebted to you for your willingness to tune in.

it’s open season.

open OneNote.

close notebook ‘EggyMD.’

open notebook ‘Grail.’

open folder titled “for the soul.”

open page titled “2020.”

last entry - 8.3

deep sigh

“got some updates.”

12.5

“hard few days. our big day is on Monday but it isn’t our big day anymore. the day has restored its original significance - rightfully so. wrote a piece called Finding Nemo on Friday morning at 3am - a little too raw to share. and it’s been nothing but anxiety ever since. God heal me. Please heal me. Bring me peace, please. I’m grieving a loss all over again - I seem to take this much harder than most people I know. you were supposed to have a tan line on your fourth finger by now. lost what I thought I was alright with losing. then I learned that a good loser is… a loser. God please heal me. it hurts. grieving the death of someone who is still alive… it’s a difficult transition and a difficult reality. i’m almost stubborn to the new circumstances. some days I’m excited to get after what’s ahead, but most days I refuse to move forward unless she’s next to me. as if I’m bribing God and negotiating the standards of me not taking my own life. I need to find the joy in it somewhere. it wouldn’t be right for me to donate myself elsewhere in my current state. that’s like giving someone a broken mirror. when you think about it, it just doesn’t make any sense why anyone would do that.

and instead of picking up a glass shard and wounding myself.

I could.

in a sense.

heal.

there’s an approach.”

my dearest friend Jack, i think she may be one of my guardian angels, she always reminds me that this isn’t linear. healing, that is. it’s the bumpiest of lines - an algebra student’s worst nightmare. I take it as it comes. some days i’m very very weak about it. but i’m raw about it too. and I try to be humble in the sense that I have much more to learn about myself. and about God. and about life. and about people. but I also try to stay hungry. hungry for more healing. hungry for more wisdom. hungry for more peace. and when I say try, I mean try. because it doesn’t always come easy. it’s natural for me to see progress and take my foot off the gas and regress back to old ways and old habits. but the stakes are so high nowadays. because that leads to old pain. which in a sense is a good thing because it shows me that there are still old traumas I need to work through. but i’m like a child when it comes to these open wounds - they instill some real fear. and fear can be paralyzing.

maybe talking to you guys about it is a method of me standing up and moving. to prove to myself that fear isn’t real. or at least it’s not as powerful as I convince myself it is.

if you want to be notified the next time we gather here for another (b)lesson, don’t forget to subscribe. i’ll always be looking forward to having you back. I can’t tell you what we’ll be talking about next time you’re here, but I can assure you it’ll be a good, quick read.

I guess this is what recovery is like.

open ‘Reminders.’

create new reminder.

set to repeat daily.

& take a breath.

reminder name: ‘remember to forget.’

be back soon. all love, love always - E.