7:39. been running from this long enough to get shin splints.

first & foremost — I passed. my first term as a medical student is over. it was tumultuous, it was exhausting, it was discouraging at times, but it was… a success. so now I take the summer to decompress, to soak in the sun, to add an extra splash of tequila to my drink, and to enjoy the many things I took for granted when I actually had time to do them.

some books are on the menu for the next few weeks. some good tv shows are on my schedule to binge. & some workouts are needed to make up after many, many absences throughout the last 17 weeks. I’m excited for it.

but anyway: built, not bought.

the last piece I wrote and published here was in January, and for anyone who tuned in consistently, it was probably notable that my emotions were erratic within those winter months. I published pieces that channeled so much anger and aggression. I wrote other posts that channeled heartbreak – those that I ultimately pulled from the blog. just things I should’ve thought twice about. I wasn’t thinking. in January, at the peak of my coldest winter, I can confidently say I was the most emotionally unstable I have ever been in my life. and that’s coming from someone who has shown instability consistently. I began panicking as if I would never be able to unpack my stuff. all that stuff I was harboring and just living with. I had forgotten what it was like to have a clear conscience, or confidence, or what it felt like to take deep breaths that weren’t impeded by the weight on my chest.

I’ve spoken about God here and I don’t want to sit here and portray the idea that God wasn’t 80% of the fight because he was. but today I’d rather discuss the other 20% — the things that I had to change as a man to encourage and accept the changes that have taken place.

first, I started talking to myself. often. as often as I had to. school started in mid-January and got so heavy so quickly, and my heart was still heavier than I was letting myself believe. I had to start talking through it because journaling wasn’t quite doing it for me anymore. I can’t pinpoint if it was just a method that I needed time away from because it lost its effectiveness, or if I needed time away from paper, pens and electronics altogether because I spent my time with those things day in & day out for school purposes. but regardless, journaling stopped working. and after weeks of not expressing a thing, I decided to just start talking.

stress would pile up & I’d hop in the shower, keep the lights off, and play some jazz. and I would just talk. it’s always prayer first, intimate communication with God. but it’s always dialogue with myself afterwards — man to man. at first it was very shaky, very uncomfortable. my initial conversations were compilations of me being apologetic. apologizing for letting myself down and becoming a version of myself that I just wasn’t proud of. becoming someone who didn’t feel strong, or capable, or worthy of much. a product of someone who had lost sight of himself for so long.

then the conversations shifted to a tone of appreciation. a few days and weeks had gone by and I just began appreciating my own effort. I began telling myself that I noticed the small commitments I was making to myself. even if the benefits weren’t showing up just yet, at least I was committing to something. and building convictions is important. everyone needs ten toes to stand on.

then the rewards came and the conversations shifted to a grateful tone altogether. a joyful tone. my chest was feeling lighter. my soul was feeling free. my heart was healing. my smile was starting to shine through. my eyes were lighting up.

in retrospect, the distance I put between myself and others when I shifted away from social media really silenced me. relationships I had with people I spoke to regularly fizzled out and it really silenced me. I didn’t have anyone to speak to. but it taught me that I was missing one very fundamental relationship – my love for myself. & I couldn’t have learned that until everyone around me was gone, so to speak. I needed the silence so that I could fill it with dialogue on my own.

then, I got busy. one of my favorite quotes is:

A mind that is always employed is always happy. It’s a blessing to be too busy to worry during the day and too sleepy to worry at night.

I had to learn this firsthand, and, luckily for me, I chose a career that was going to keep me busy. I immersed myself in school more & more as my energy shifted in the right direction. my grades improved consistently throughout my 17-week term. I began to understand how I enjoyed learning, and how I had to attack those methods to handle all of the material that was coming so, so quickly. I put my head down & got to it.

I quickly found that the nights that were usually defined by uncertainty and lack of courage were beginning to be defined by pride in my work & pride in my approach. that’s a good place to be. when you’re absolutely proud of how you spend your moments throughout your days, it becomes synonymous with being healthily proud of yourself.

now, the most recent thing I had to change was arguably the most important and will continue to be. after seeing the results that self-talk & a relentless work ethic got me, I was sold on those tactics and began to get ahead of myself. I began to think I was powering through the weaknesses, the pains, the lessons, and whatever else was left.

I remember being on a phone call with my therapist & he had asked me what percentage I would give as far as where I was in my healing - and because I had been in such an optimistic place, I said 80-85%. The last leg of the race just happened to be the hardest. but what I see now is that you just can’t outwork time. things need time. I need time.

it’s important to build consistency, to build positivity, to build a base, and build an ecosystem that flourishes above that. but the fruits of your labor won’t grow without time. the grass won’t get greener without time.

so recently, I’ve actually taken my foot off the gas. I’ve stopped fixating on needing to get to that proverbial 100%. I may never even get there. it’s actually more important to find the happiness in the space I’m in now and relieve myself of the pressure of finishing this race. & now, I could care less about the race because when I slow down and walk my way through it, I get to enjoy the view.

& I’ll get to where I need to get to. in due time.

I guess it would be more appropriate to readdress this title because I’m nowhere near done – so let me do so:

edit: building, not buying*

the last time I had the opportunity to accept solidarity and address the flaws within myself, I ran away from it and racked up $15,000 of credit debt on a bunch of stuff that never filled the voids. you wanna know what the best thing is about all the changes that I mentioned above?

they were free.

if you want to be notified the next time we gather here for another (b)lesson, don’t forget to subscribe. i’ll always be looking forward to having you back. I can’t tell you what we’ll be talking about next time you’re here, but I can assure you it’ll be a good, quick read.

all love, love always, debt-free E.

5.19.2021.

Le Labo Fragrance.

Santal 33 — for: building.

Labdanum 18 — for: my strongest Jesai.