it certainly feels like the bottom again. I've been drinking. I don't have a drinking problem. but my drinking has become a problem. my drinking and driving has become a problem.

God was able to use murderers, persecutors, and deniers of Jesus. so God can use me.

I was at church meditating heavily yesterday before Kane singled me out, and I was in such deep thought. I'm not being an example. I'm not sure why God believes I'm capable of so much. why he calls on me to accomplish everything he calls on me to accomplish. I'm shrinking under the pressure. and I've learned over time that if you think you'll fail, you'll fail. they all hold me in such high regard, even those who shrug it off and play it sarcastically. and I'm not responding appropriately. I'm not stepping into the roles. I'm not delivering. I'm shrinking under the pressure.

the last time I felt like I was at the bottom, I had to silence the noise.

I think I'm going to silence the noise.

I need absolute quiet.

then I need to hear God.

and God only.

and when I'm ready, I'll allow some of the noise back in.

carefully.

selectively.

anyway, I bought a keyboard.

I wrote that on September 18th. I was reeling. and i’ve found a few days and weeks here and there to piece some positivity together, but my life today still leaves a lot to be desired. things felt better two years ago. even last year. when I was off the radar. and when I knew who I could count on in reality.

I think 2024 has to bring seismic change. it has to bring seclusion. and the shifting of my efforts to other facets of life. the ones that pour back. the ones that reciprocate.

i’ve felt angry for the majority of the year. i’ve acted uncharacteristically. spitefully. seeking attention. or validation. or love. or something. whatever it is, I haven’t gotten it. and i’ve sunk lower and lower as i’ve attempted harder and harder to get whatever that elusive thing is.

even in my moments of wrestling with God – moments that have come often recently – I can’t even be upset with him. I haven’t put my best foot forward and subsequently been let down. i’ve been underwhelming. so chances are i’m just reaping what I sow. God isn’t failing me. I’m failing me.

& as i’ve said before. if we’re gonna fail, we’ll fail quietly. these public losses and public outbursts are really starting to get difficult to live with, and difficult to stomach.

and one last thing. the tone of this entire blog is giving the impression that i’m some sad guy all the time.

need to start writing on the joyful days too.

I wish I could bottle this feeling up & take it in doses to remember why I should make better choices.