it’s two:twenty-nine a.m. & i’m having so many thoughts that I ended up here.

i’m deciding to put this under the (im)pulse page because although this is a lengthier read, this isn’t going to be one of those pieces that has any resolution. i’ve been feeling pretty heavy-hearted and tonight just kind of put me at that tipping point.

and by now i’ve accepted the fact that my tipping points typically lead me here, because if I don’t say it here then I won’t say it at all.

not to these depths at least.

the word of the day is inadequacy.

that’s been the feeling i’ve had at my core. it’s been there for weeks. I should stop here to let you guys know that I passed my Step 1 exam (woo-hoo) & now i’m just waiting to start clinical rotations. I start at the end of the month. I think that’s part of the problem, but it’s also something I may not be seeing deeply enough.

i’ve chosen to take the next few weeks to be entirely free. no work, at least not any consistent work. no elective rotations before my core rotations. no obligations. just recalibrating and filling my cup by spending time with the people I love most and doing the things I enjoy most. and so although this is a quiet stretch in regards to the work, it’s not very quiet at all. sometimes it’s even exhausting. but I can’t lie, being exhausted by anything other than the work seems to add to the inadequacy.

I had a basketball game tonight, just a few hours ago. it was the first round of the playoffs and a game that I thought was winnable. I was putting a lot of pressure on myself because to be frank, I thought I was incredibly underwhelming these past nine weeks. I didn’t always score efficiently, I didn’t often command the game or the offense, and even defensively I left some to be desired. at least by my own standards. I wasn’t even very good as a leader. I just didn’t own the challenges and I shrunk when the lights came on. and I played it off like things were going fine, but inside it was truly driving me mad. I thought I could steer the ship the opposite way with a statement win tonight, and I sprained my ankle badly just three or four minutes into the game. and other players from the league were kind enough to give me an ankle brace and help me re-lace my sneakers. and I was sitting there for a few minutes, man. like 8 minutes of game time. and there was a small battle going on while I was just walking around trying to get anything out of my ankle. and it was just that inadequacy again. what better way to cap an inadequate performance for a season than to go down 4 minutes into my statement game for myself? so I checked back in. and I couldn’t contribute much to the guys. they played their hearts out and I gutted as much as I could. and we lost. and that happens. but it adds to the inadequacy.

I’ve been single for a few years. I think the way my last relationship came to its finality did a real number on me. I spent a lot of time to myself just rebuilding, redefining, and letting God perform his restoration. and I’ve started dating. I kept my options open for a few months. I’ve gone on dates. and as it stands, I do have one person who piques my interest and makes me want to see where things go. I think I’m trying and doing pretty well, but I could be wrong – I haven't done this effectively in a while (lol). anyway, I heard once that if you want to be impressed, look at people from afar. but the closer you get and the more you get to see the details, the less impressive they’ll seem. and to sum it up, I feel like the closer she gets the less impressive I’m appearing. I’ll just leave it at that. it’s not the best feeling, and it adds to the inadequacy.

I haven’t felt on fire for God in a few weeks. I’ve gotten back into reading my Scripture consistently, but even when there’s something deep that stimulates my mind or stimulates my spirit – I can’t seem to hold onto that feeling. sometimes I’ll go to church, and i’ll listen to the worship, or I’ll look around at the members of the congregation and what appears to be the fire just flowing from them as they lift their voices in praise, or as they close their eyes and fall into prayer. and I’ve just struggled with capturing that on my end of things. and even when I do, I’ve struggled with keeping it for the entirety of the worship, or the entire service. and that inability to really enjoy God’s presence, or that inability to connect, or that inability to feel gratitude, or that inability to want to be obedient for an extended period of time – it adds to the inadequacy.

and as a result, I’ve re-established my bad habit of trying to buy happiness. trying to buy joy. trying to buy adequacy. i’ve sold and purchased watches trying to find pieces that make me feel something. I’ve gotten fragrances to always smell unique and interesting to others, and to provide any excitement to me. I’ve sold and purchased clothing to recreate the wardrobe as I chase the ~ aesthetic. ~ but as you can see, i’m really just sprucing up the outside as nicely as I can without making the inside any more livable. I’ve avoided rearranging the furniture in there, but at least the front lawn is green and the shutters are clean, I guess.

and I wish I had a better ending to this, but I don’t. I guess the promising thing about it is that for the next few weeks – I have no job, no responsibilities, and literally one ankle. (i’m laughing right here in real life). if that doesn’t get me to sit still and really listen to what’s going on inside, i’m not sure what will. for the first time in a while, I’m reluctant to listen to what’s going on in there. but we’re going to have to if we want to get out of this funk.

oh, that reminds me of one of my favorites quotes from one of my favorite books:

“don’t mistake the edge of a rut for the horizon.”

thanks for stopping in.

it’s three:nineteen a.m. and if I don’t go to bed soon, I’ll be late for….

oh wait. late for nothing.