i’m afraid that i’m self-absorbed.

& i’m afraid that this sounded tone-deaf. as if some of you will read this and think to yourselves: how didn’t he know that he’s self-absorbed? is he being serious?

i thought i was doing so much better at like. i don’t know. listening, or whatever. taking more interest in them than in i. & maybe i am doing better, but i was so far down on the pole of self-awareness that what feels like revelation to me now would be a minuscule baseline for anyone else. suddenly i’m not so sure if i truly understand myself.

or maybe i do & i just don’t want to be honest. am i hiding that deeply?

perhaps i don’t really want what i think i want. perhaps i want redemption. or perhaps i want saving. perhaps it’s not as genuine as i would like it to be. the desire for this all to be genuine is there, i just can’t muster that actual genuity. i’m really hammering that word, huh.

i’m very direct when i need to be.

i’m afraid i’ve been solved.

& i’m ashamed that i wasn’t even the one to solve myself.

i’m often mesmerized by other people’s way of thinking – i often want to adopt other patterns of thinking and other patterns of behavior. i also find myself wanting to be wiser. often. yet i just can’t seem to change my pattern of thinking, or my pattern of behavior, or the pattern of my results.

life is easier for those who are decisive and those who are direct. but to be those two things, you need to be understanding.

it seems that i lack all three of those.

hmm. anyway, if you haven’t finished You: Season 4 – it’s Rhys.

sorry.